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Retrophrenologist Heraldry for my husband
I'd like Retrophrenologist Heraldry for a gift for my husband. With a nod to Sir Terry Pratchett, a retrophrenologist "is the practical application of Phrenology. Instead of merely observing the bumps on the head of the subject, retrophrenologists attempt to find the bumps that cause problems, and remove them. Likewise, bumps with positive effects are often added." ~ Wikipedia “You can go into a shop in Ankh-Morpork and order an artistic temperament with a tendency to introspection. What you actually get is hit on the head with a large hammer, but it keeps the money in circulation and gives people something to do.” ~ Sir Terry Pratchett on Retrophrenology I'll need two versions, one detailed and one miniature. The detailed one should be able to go on posters, and cards. The smaller one is for a special project. I'd like to make him poker chip Drink Tokens he can hand out to people he likes for them to redeem later. "Senior Director of Retrtophrenology" ~Actually from hubby's business cards quoted in SFGate.com news article My concept is to take a typicalphrenology graphic, change it to his profile and make the brains "categories" things that interest him. If you are interested, please contact me to negotiate price. Once that is settles, I'll send pictures of him in profile and all the other information.
Warning: this story will contain mentions of unhealthy relationships and adult themes. The main character also has some character traits that may differs from your own, please do keep that in mind. Review and comments will be appreciated (Customisation) There once was a dashing bachelor (That looked like )(uses the OH male feces) Face 1 Face 2 Face 3 Face 4 (Hairstyles) James Bond (black slick backed) Don Diego Vega (dark brown wavy hair slicked back long neck) Steve Rogers (Short blonde side swept hair) Agent J (Short kinky curls) Is this him? Yes No (go back to customisation) What is his name? (Default: George) (Surname) (Default: Bishop) There he meets A beautiful woman A handsome man A beautiful woman Face 1 (Asian; has pale skin, dark almond eyes, straight black mid-back hair with a mid-part) Face 2 (Hispanic: has tan skin, deep brown eye and over shoulder-length volumes wavy hair with side bangs.) Face 3 (Afro-American: dark skin, expressive brown eyes with long blackish brown chest-length kinky curly hair.) Face 4 (Caucassian: pinkish skin with freckles, clear blue round eyes, collarbone length layered dirty blonde hair) A handsome man Face 1 (Asian: pale skin, dark almond eyes, straight black hair put up in a pompadour style) Face 2 (Hispanic: tan skin, with slicked back wavy hair that always looks like it is coming undone.) Face 3 (Afro-American: dark skin, expressive brown eyes, with a crewcut with tight natural curls.) Face 4 (Caucasian: pinkish skin with freckles, clear blue eyes, dirty blonde hair in a Taper haircut.) As the two peoples eyes lock across the room. The sensation of a pull drives them to get closer to one another. As the dashing bachelor offered his hand his partner gladly accepted it. Leading into a dance that lasted the rest of the night. The whole world faded away to the sound of the Jazz band, their breathing and their dancing. As their lips moved to meet... ???: “Oh come now Joanna, you know that is no way that would ever happen.” (Record Scratch) Joanna: “Oh for craps sake, George I was getting to the best part.” George: “Forgive me for finding it uncomfortable that you have decide how my love life is going to go.” Lance: “He does have a point there sis.” Joanna: “Way to stand up for your sister Lance.” Lance “Look I’m all for love conquers and all that jazz but it is kind of difficult to make a love life for someone else.” George: “Thank you.” Lance: “I mean he isn’t a completely lost cause. I’m sure some desperate soul will take him.” Lance: “I mean he’s got dads looks, and he managed to get with mom when they were young.” Lance: “That might make up for his zero tact.” George: “Your faith in me is awe inspiring.” Lance: “Oh cheer up. With your upcoming trip to Vegas, maybe you’ll have luck in love and not just on the poker table.” Joanna: “Maybe you’ll meet someone special!” You snort, finding the idea silly. George: “I wouldn’t bet on it.” Chapter 1: One night in Vegas In an underground speakeasy decked out in old decor from the 20th centuries first half. You sit there nursing your drink. After a long day at the office you love nothing more than when you can enjoy your secret fancy. Dressed up in an old-fashioned pinstripe suit and a fedora. You feel like a king, this little piece of haven in Chicago that seemed to be frozen in time. You feel your friend beside you stir, he himself having to relax from work as well as dreading an upcoming event. After his fifth sight you opt to actually talk about it. You take a swing of your drink and decide to talk about the elephant in the room. Or more accurately you decide to talk about the issue in pre 1940’s slang George: “Your bear cat of a sister still giving you a hard time?” Jeremy: “Noneofya.” He mumbled. George: “Look Pally, I known you since we were scrubs and had squat. What's eating you?” Jeremy: “That dame will chisel me out of every dime I own.” George: “Stephie acting like a Big cheese cause she is getting hitched?” Jeremy: “She wants everything spiffy and I’m quite sure her ankle biters will be paying the bills. My folks are on my case regarding my dame.” You think for a moment. Jeremy and Katie had been together for four years. They got one another, they lived together. George: “Stephie’s lucky her guy thinks she’s the Cat's meow.” You said reflecting on everything you ever heard regarding Darren, he was a good guy. Definitely not the smartest but he loved Stephanie like she was the only woman alive. You just wondered why anyone would want to spend time with that woman. Jeremy: “Alright, real talk.” Jeremy said as he dropped ‘the act’, we were no longer hot shots in the prohibition era. We were now just George Bishop and Jeremy Jackson a financial advisor and a computer wizard. George: “In all do honesty I do not see why you need to go there? Aren’t bachelorette parties strictly female?” Jeremy: “They used to be, but I am quite sure I am not going with them to be pampered like the bridesmaids.” George: “Then your function is?” Jeremy: “If I were to guess, fall guy and pack mule.” Jeremy: “I think she is also doing it to brag, that ‘she did it first.’ To rub it in Katie’s face.” George: “You never really care what your sister does. Why now?” Jeremy: “Because they are pressuring me and Katie. Not just my family but next to everyone we know. ‘When is the wedding? What is the venue? How many guests? Are you going to have it this year?’ Look I love my girl, but none of us is in rush to walk down the aisle.” Yeah, you know, you were the first one Jeremy told about his plan to propose. You were happy for him but at the end of the day it was up to Katie and Jeremy. Not you or their families. However the rest of the world seemed to think differently. Mom: “Oh sweetheart, happy valentine’s day! Are you spending it with someone special?” George: “Mom, you know I am not looking for someone.” Mom: “Oh, don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll find that certain someone sooner or later.” Yeah, it isn’t enough your sister is married and your brother is utterly twitterpated with his boyfriend. You need to ensure your oldest is also with someone. Boss: “Mr. Bishop, I must say. I am impressed with your work ethics, but we have decided to go with Mr. Robinson as the face of the company.” Never minding the fact that you worked twice as hard as said college. George: “I understand. May I ask what made you choose him?” Boss: “We did research and found that your college would be favourable, due to circumstance.” Translation: we wanted a man that was married and not the workaholic bachelor. Stranger 1: “You see that guy over there?” Stranger 2: “You mean the one with the RBF?” Stranger 1: “Yeah, probably one of those loners, will never find anyone.” Stranger 2: “I mean who goes to a restaurant like this alone?” Honestly? You can’t have a meal alone? George: “Yeah, I know that feeling.” Jeremy: “Seriously.” Both of you take a sigh. Jeremy: “But in all honesty. Thank you for coming along, I really appreciate it. Would probably loose my mind if I went alone.” George: “Of course.”
It would be a shame to lose my partner in crime.
My boss would be pissed if I didn’t.
Who would turn down free drinks?
Jeremy: “Yeah sounds about right.” *Choice 1* George: “Remember how we got back at Marcus Thatcher?” *Choice 1* Jeremy: “Oh, I remember. Too bad he didn’t check the file we sent, it might have saved him some embarrassment.” *Choice 1* George: “Big tough football star being fooled by ‘two scrawny’ freshmen.” *Choice 1* Jeremy: “And we were hailed as heroes for a month.” *Choice 1* Jeremy: “Wait, don’t tell me HR department has been on your case.” *Choice 2* Geroge: “Yep, too much overtime.” *Choice 2* Geroge: “Never mind I make sure that everything is quality controlled.” *Choice 2* Jeremy: “Geesh. Well glad to know I could be of service.” *Choice 2* Jeremy: “Ah there it is, I knew you had a hidden agenda. *Choice 3* George: “Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy, when have I ever hid something from you?” *Choice 3* Jeremy: “Alright fair, you are honest to the point of insult.” *Choice 3* Geroge: “You asked for my opinion, besides those shoes where ugly as sin.” *Choice 3* Both of you laugh, you had been in each other’s life since kindergarten. You where the odd ducks, most kids and adults always considered you to be cold or judging. Even if neither of you had that intention. Jeremy raises his glass. Jeremy: “To intellectual companions.” George: “To intellectual friends.” You said as you raised your own drink in a toast. The weekend finally arrived for the trip. You arrived at O’Hare airport with a good three hours to spare. You crack open the book you brought with you. It was a supernatural detective story you received as a gift on last birthday a few months back. While you applaud your sister for trying, it was still jarring to follow all the supernatural deus-ex-machinas that discarded real detective work. So that is how a 31 year old was reading a supernatural book in broad daylight. George: ‘ with gun drawn, Duskraven made her way down the basement, the surroundings smelled of blood and muck.’ Geroge: ‘Romano’s empire was now in full display in front of her. Fae, lined the walls, eyes hollow and only the movement of their chest indicating they were still alive.’ George: ‘Duskraven took out her polaroid camera, it was a risky but if this would ever have a chance to justice. Her leads and information would need to be solid if she wanted to take down the vampire cartel. She just hoped the light for the camera would be noticed.’ George: ‘With a blinding light the entire basement lit up temporarily blinding her, when she regained her sight again a new horror met her eyes. Multiple pairs of hungry red eyes.’ Jeremy: “George!” You tear your eyes away from the book in your hand. There is Jeremy and Katie, hand in hand. Seeing them together was always a happy occasion. Katie and Jeremy met at your favourite speakeasy a few years back. You didn’t blame your friend for becoming interested in the ICU nurse. Curly red hair and big blue eyes. Even if the courtship had started out rocky due to both of them being so shy. They overcame that hurdle and found something they wanted. Sometimes however you wished you didn’t feel like you were interrupting them. George: “Good morning, is Stephanie and her friends also here?” Katie: “No they had a sleep over at Daria’s house. So they will be carpooling.” You look at your clock and it was about two hours before the plane would take off, your bags where checked in and you were ready to leave and get to the section where the gates would be. But there was still no sign of Stephanie. As you though you heard a rumbling sound. Both you and Katie looked at Jeremy as a sheepish grim grew on his face. Katie: “Told you, a ham sandwich wouldn’t hold.” Jeremy: “It will hold till lunch, which is a few hours away.” George: “You sure that is a good idea?” Jeremy: “Tell you what, I’ll go if you come with me and Katie.” Katie: “So what do you say?” McDermott's · Sure, I could have a bite. (💎12) · Perhaps we shouldn’t Diamond Choice: George: “Alright, let us have something to eat.” Jeremy: “Good! Airplane food leaves much to be desired.” Katie: “You always think with your stomach.” Jeremy: “Yet you love me.” Katie: “Yes, odd isn’t it?” You make your way inside and stay in line. You look at the menu and order · Breakfast burrito · Bacon and scrambled eggs · Fruit and oatmeal You order your food along with a big coffee. You all slide into the booth, Katie had her yogurt in hand both of you looked worryingly at Jeremy’s breakfast. (Tilting tower of pancakes) (Holy crap!) You swore for a moment both you and Katie was reading each other’s mind. ‘He is going to puke.’ George: “Hey Jeremy, think you can get some napkins?” Jeremy: “Sure.” As he left you plied a few pancakes away, making sure that you saved the top one so he wouldn’t notice. Katie making sure the tower didn’t fall. She gave a thumbs up, thanking you. George: “So Katie, how have you been?” Katie: “There is always a lot of things to do at the ICU, sometime I wonder where humanity is headed.” George: “Really, that bad?” Katie: “How would you explain having a locomotive lodge up your rectum?” George: “How did that happened?” Katie: “They claim they fell on it, if I had a dollar every time this happened I wouldn’t have any student debts.” You shake your head, you have been thinking a bit about what Jeremy said at the Speakeasy. You had also noticed that something was up with Katie, she was on edge. George: “Katie…” 1.“Did you want to go on this trip?” 2.“Has Mr and Mrs Jackson been pressuring you?” 3.“Do you want to get married?” Katie: “In all honesty no, but Stephanie has made me a bridesmaid. I need to partake in these things. Even if I wish I didn’t.” *Choice 1\* George: “Why?” *Choice 1\* Katie: “I wish I could care as little about protocol as you do, but she is Jeremy’s sister, if I say no it might affect my relationship with Jeremy and his family.” *Choice 1\* Katie: “Yes, I mean no, I mean… it’s complicated.” *Choice 2\* George: “How come?” *Choice 2\* Katie: “I’m 30 years old George, time is ticking. They want grandchildren to spoil.” *Choice 2\* George: “And you have to be married to do that?” *Choice 2\* Katie: “Of course I love Jeremy.” *Choice 3\* George: “That wasn’t the question, do you want to get married?” *Choice 3\* Katie: “It is just so big, all those expectations. I… it scares the crap out of me.” *Choice 3\* George: “Listen, I will tell you something.” You said using your stern voice. George: “Jeremy loves you, he chose you. You chose him. That is the truth at the end of the day.” Katie looked at you, a shy smile graced her lips. She mouthed a thank you. Jeremy made his way back to you with a great pile of napkins. You all begin to take part of the meal. During the entire meal Katie and Jeremy’s shoulders touched and they looked as content as they could be. (‘Loving it’ you had breakfast at McDermott) None diamond choice: George: “Let us just sit down and relax, we should be in Las Vegas at 1 am. Knowing Stephanie we will probably eat something there before heading to the hotel.” Katie: “Maybe, I’ll get some water at least.” Jeremy: “Good idea.” (‘Not hungry’ you didn’t have a McDermott breakfast) As all of you wait for the supposed ‘bride’ you hear commotion. Sure enough you see a brunette with a close to permanent scowl on her face. Followed but two very flustered women. “There you are! WHERE have you been?!” Her tone is as pleasant as you remember, nails on a chalkboard. Jeremy: “We have been here waiting for you.” Stephanie: “You aren’t even going to help me with my bags. What type of brother are you?” Jeremy: “Well we are here, we have about half an hour before the plane leaves. So let’s get to the gate.” Stephanie just huffed. Storming away. George: “Wow she is in a good mood.” You state sarcastically. Jeremy: “Yeah she gets like that some time.” Jeremy: “Just try not to set her of, she can be a handful.” Katie: “I mean how bad could it possibly be?” You were never the very superstitious type, but you were quite sure that Katie just opened Pandora’s Box. From the time the plane touched ground in Nevada everything that could set of Stephanie did. Stephanie: “URRGH!!! where is that shuttle! He is LATE!!” Jeremy: “They told us like five minutes ago there is traffic jam.” Stephanie: “Then he should have planned it earlier!” Stephanie: “I will not wait an hour! WE have a schedule to follow!” George:’ This coming from the woman that almost missed the plane to her own bachelorette party.’ Daria: “They say it is only another 15 minutes.” Stephanie: “I DON’T CAREEEEE!” Stephanie: “What do you mean that our suits where not booked?” Receptionist: “You never sent in the deposit for your stay.” Stephanie: “THAT WAS GEMMA’S JOB!” Gemma: “I told you, the suits needed to be paid for by the same person that booked them.” Stephanie: “You are a bridesmaid, you are supposed to make things work!” George: ‘Honetly…’ George: “Sigh…” Stephanie: “THIS ISN’T WHAT I ORDERED!” Waitress: “Yes it is, you wanted a calamari.” The poor waitress looked exhausted and probably wanted to be anywhere but here, not that one could blame her. Stephanie: “NO IT ISN’T! I wanted the pasta with bacon and cheese.” Katie: “A cabonara?” Jeremy: “Stephie we are at a seafood restaurant.” George: ‘IS she ever satisfied?’ All of us where back at the hotel, Stephanie insisting that they ‘needed’ a new set of clothes for the casino and club they were planning on hitting. Jeremy looked ready to just give up. George: “You know, you could simply say no to her.” Jeremy threw an exhausted glair at me. Jeremy: “If it was so simple neither me, you nor Katie would be here right now.” George: “And you wouldn’t be here doing this Sisyphean task, which obviously brings you missery.” Jeremy: “Yeah well, I still want my parents in my life, if I didn’t do this, they would never let me live it down.” What to wear to the casino? · Tuxedo 007 (💎 15) · Basic black Diamond option: Jeremy: “You look like James Bond.” George: “I’ll have a martini, shaken not stirred.” You said and an amused smile spread across Jeremy’s face. None diamond choice “I Think I’ll stick with this.” “Fair enough, I am too exhausted to care anyway.” Jeremy said with a tired smile. You both left the room, making our way to one of the pulsing centres of the strip. There in the golden casinos you thought finally your luck would finally turn for the better. That the glamorous atmosphere would rub off on the soon-to-be bride. Causing her to stop doing her impression of a screeching barn owl and let ALL of them enjoy Sin City. Well it seemed to have worked, for now. Both you and Jeremy where at the black jack tables, enjoying yourself. While the ladies were back at the slots machines. Jeremy folded a while ago, it is just you and one more. You looked down at your cards a jack and an ace. You opponent opposite you had this confident smirk on his face. But you saw how the sweat was running down his face. He was bluffing. George: “Hum…”
Act as if you have a bad hand
Act arrogant and self-assured
Do not react at all and watch the man squirm
You decide to let your brows furrow in what would look like frustration. The man opposite you lets the edge of his mouth turn in a smirk. His confidence boosting with every minute. *Choice 1* You decide to put on the theatrics, giving a smile like the cat that ate the canary you look at your opponent. That is growing more and more agitated by the minute. *Choice 2* You keep your face natural, a lot of people often comment that you look angry whenever they see you. You could only assume it was true because your opponent was practically squirming in his seat. *Choice 3* When he reviles his hand, you pause for a moment before reviling yours. You won. George: “I’ll be taking these.” You said as you dragged them back chips and split them evenly between you and Jeremy. You had started with the same amount of tokens. Even if you did work with money daily, this was one of those occasions you allowed yourself to be a bit more relaxed regarding that subject. Jeremy: “Nice one.” George: “All in a day’s work.” Jeremy: “So what next?” Before you could answer you hear commotion from the opposite side of the casino. The screeching voice meant that Stephanie was somewhere in the middle of it. Both of you sigh, knowing that your happy hour was over. Sure enough there at the era leading into one of the shows where Stephanie and her entourage, all of them except Stephanie wearing baby pink dresses and Stephanie herself wearing a sash reading ‘all hail the bride’ along with a tacky tiara probably worth a five dollar bill at most. She was screaming at a bouncer, while all the others tried in vain to calm the soon-to-be bride. Stephanie: “You are an idiot! What service is this!?” When we had arrived there was already an audience forming. Yeah this was common whenever Stephanie was involved. ‘Drama Queen’ had been your nickname for her during high school for a reason. Jeremy: “What happened?” Bouncer: “Your friend here slapped one of your dancers, something about them stealing from them.” Stephanie: “I am the BRIDE! I am not supposed to have to pay for anything during my bachelorette party.” Jeremy: “Stephanie, what about we get some fresh air, okay?” Jeremy said as he tried to deescalate the situation. He gently grabbed her arm, but Stephanie was having none of it. It felt like it all happened in slow motion, Stephanie turned around and a closed fist and rage connected it with Jeremy’s face. Your friend flew back and hit his head on the floor pretty hard. Stephanie didn’t even care to check what state her brother was in. Katie flew to her fiancés side and the sight of your friend’s bleeding face was enough to make you see red. George: “Alright enough.”
Scold her
Embarrass her
Give her the evil eye
George: “Stephanie, you are way out of line.” *Choice 1* Stephanie: “No I am not!” *Choice 1* George: “You have taken no responsibility during this trip, you have been rude to every member of the party, you have caused a scene at every place we have been to. Do I need to keep going?” *Choice 1* Your voice is like ice, you swear the temperature just dropped a few degrees. As you pointed out everything she has done during the less than 24 hours you been together. *Choice 1* Stephanie looks angrily at her bridesmaids as is she is waiting for them to defend her. *Choice 1* They do not, they know you are just stating the truth. *Choice 1* George: “Your own brother did not want to be on this trip, he begged me to come along. Doesn’t that tell you just how vile you have been acting?” *Choice 1* Stephanie: “You listen here…”*Choice 1* George: “No you listen for once in your life!” *Choice 1* You rarely let your emotions out but Stephanie was a special case. *Choice 1* George: “If this is how you treat people, do not be surprised when Darren leaves you at the altar. He deserve better than this.” *Choice 1* With that as a closing line you left, Jeremy might need to get to the hospital. He was worth more than Stephanie would ever be in your eyes. *Choice 1* As you leave you are quite sure you hear someone applauding. *Choice 1* With determined steps you made your way to one of the waitresses. *Choice 2* George: “Excuse me.” *Choice 2* You hand her a 50 dollar bill as you grab a big jug glass filled with beer and briskly walk back to Stephanie that is still screaming profanities. Because of her back being turned to you she didn’t see you. You saw how people began to take out their cameras and phones. No one made a move to stop you. *Choice 2* With one quick movement you had poured it over her and a shriek of surprise entered your ears. *Choice 2* Stephanie: “What the fuck is wrong with you!?” *Choice 2* George: “Are you done with your little temper tantrum?” *Choice 2* Stephanie: “What!? How dare you!” *Choice 2* George: “You have been acting like a spoiled five year old since the moment we landed. I am surprised no one has done anything until now.” *Choice 2* Stephanie: “You are so not coming to my wedding!” *Choice 2* George: “It isn’t a loss, I was never here for you. Now excuse me I have more important things to deal with.” *Choice 2* You left Stephanie to deal with the people that had gathered for the ‘show’ and she began to scream at them and calling them all sorts of names. But no one was intimidated, they found it hilarious. *Choice 2* You grab hold of Stephanie, until she has no choice but to look at you. She is screeching, calling you every slur and bad name in the book. Your hands are firm on her upper arm, you just hold no squeezing, no pushing. You keep your eyes locked on her, you must have stood there quite a while until finally her defiant stare became weaker and weaker. *Choice 3* You kept hold of her until she burst out into tears. At that point you let her go. Knowing you had knocked her down a peg. *Choice 3* But Stephanie wasn’t your main concern, Jeremy was. You moved to stay with Katie and Jeremy, the crowd parted as the red sea as you walked by. All in stunned silence. *Choice 3* George: “Are you sure you’ll be alright?” Jeremy grimaced at the questing, blood still trickling down his face from where he had been punched. Luckily the nose would heal, the only question was what colour it would be in time for Stephanie’s wedding. Jeremy: “I’ll be fine, Katie is here too. She knows what she is doing.” Katie: “Having your fiancé being a nurse does have its perks huh?” Jeremy: “Yeah one of many.” The two of them smile at one another, before Jeremy turn back to you. Jeremy: “Think you can manage your own?” George: “I think I can stay out of trouble for one night.” Jeremy: “Maybe, see you tomorrow George.” Katie: “Have a nice night.” With that the two of them made their way up to the hotel rooms. You decided to check out the hotel bar. Despite being 10 o’clock it was surprisingly empty. Some people where there, some having already had a few to many. But what caught your eye was a stranger sitting at the end of the bar. There sitting in a knee-length ocean blue dress was a woman, leaning over resting her elbows at the counter. She had a faraway look in her face as she absentmindedly stirred her drink. *♀* There sitting a young man, nursing his drink. His blue vest and slacks combo suited him well with the crisp white shirt. His attention seeming being elsewhere. *♂* You sit down by the bar and is about to call on the bartender when I noticed a man, clearly intoxicated made a move on the man/woman at the end of the bar. Drunk Idiot: “Hello there, did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” The person in question just rolled hehis eyes. Clearly not in the mood to be the object of drunk admiration. Drunk Idiot: “How about you and me go up to my hotel room and get to know each other a bit more.” Haven seen the man/woman in question do every none-verbal que but slapping the idiot you decide enough was enough. He had disturbed you and the rest of the bar enough. With the smoothest and coolest tone of voice you could muster you cleared your throat to get the drunk man’s attention. It wasn’t appreciated to say the least. Drunk idiot: “What the hell do you want prick.” The smell of alcohol radiating off him, one would think he had bathed in vodka. It was surprising no one had tossed him out from being a nuisance earlier. George: “I do believe that you are bothering him/her. Please stop.” George: “Look we are old friends, its noneofya business so bug off.” George: “Oh really, then what is your friends name?” Drunk Idiot: ”What?” George: “What. Is. your. friend’s. name? If you are old friends you should surely know it.” Drunk Idiot: “It’s ummm… Terry.” ???: “That is not even close.” With both of you staring straight into him, mentally cornering him. Drunk idiot: ”Screw this.” The man declared in frustration and with that the idiot stormed off leaving both of you alone. After making sure the guy was out of sight you turned back to the stranger. He/She gave you a grateful smile. ???: “Thanks’ I really appreciate that?” George: “It was nothing.” You said making yourself ready to go back to your seat. ???: “Wait!” The stranger called after you, out of sheer politeness you turned back around. He/she Seemed a bit nervous, what now? ???: “Can I at least buy you a drink?” You thought for a moment. You were on your own, Jeremy was probably nursing the bruise with some painkillers and you did not want to risk running into Stephanie or any of the bridesmaids. It also felt wrong to not take the opportunity to experience Vegas however. So you accepted. ???: “Well What’s your poison?” He/she asked in a joyous tone.
Matrini
Old Fashioned
Red Wine
With a quick wave they called the bartender over. ???: “So what brings you to Vegas?” George: “Bachelorette party.” ???: “Did it have anything to do with that brunette that slapped one of the dancers and had security physically lift her out?” George: “Bingo.” ???: “No one got seriously hurt?” George: “Thankfully no.” With that the bartender served the drink and the stranger slipped a 50 dollar bill. You lift the glass in a gesture for a thank you. And let the beverage slip down your throat. It was nice, it was a good year and the taste was strong but not overpowering. You noticed that his/her eyes were on you, almost as if they were trying to decipher your character. George: “What are you doing?” ???: “Trying to get a read on you, some say what you order is often an indication of who you are.” George: “Really? Then what can you say about me?” You asked, deciding to humour them. ???: “I can say that that you are a man that know what he wants and how you want them.” *Martini* ???: “You are an old soul, you probably know your liquor well. My guess you have a great library at home.” *Old fashioned* ???: “You are quite classy, and you can find a way to get drunk before noon.” *Red wine* With that you give an amused chuckle. George: “Well there is some truth to that statement.” You take a look at the drink they self are nursing. (Dark n Stormy) (Humm...) George: “If I were to do the same to you, I guess you have a sweet tooth and might have wanted to be a pirate at some point.” At that comment the stranger began to laugh. It was the infectious kind of laugh that made someone warm form the bottom of their stomach. ???: “Alright you got me there.” He/she then stuck out their hand. (My name is..) (Default name: Skyler) George: “‘Skyler’ it is a pleasure to meet you.” You said as you shook it. You take in Skyler’s look. You had to admit that they were an attractive specimen of a man/woman. George: “The name is George Bishop.” Skyler: “George Bishop, how professional sounding.” He/ she said as if they were tasting your name in their mouth. George: “Well I do hope so, would be difficult to be an advisor if people believed I was a joker.” Skyler: “Ah, so you are one of those people that look at you and stamp ‘rejected’ on every paper?” George: “I believe that I am fair in my judgement.” George: “How about yourself?” At that their eyes fell. Skyler: “Right now, I’m a 30 year old trying to figure out my next move.” George: “How come?” Skyler: “Lost my job due to relationship issues between my manager and her boyfriend. Apparently, me being friendly was mistaken for flirting.” Skyler: “What, they want a grumpy Greeter at the door?” George: “That is unprofessional.” Skyler: “Yeah, well relationships are messy.” George: “Agreed.” Skyler: “I must say the way you handled that woman, it was surprising.” Skyler said in a genuinely impressed voice. George: “You were watching?” Skyler: “Kind of hard not to, I’m surprised half the hotel didn’t hear her.” George: “Someone had to show her she isn’t the Queen of Sheba.” Skyler: “What are your thought on marriage?” You shoot up a bit, a bit startled by the blunt question. George: “My thoughts?” Skyler: “You seem like a guy that know what he thinks. I want to pick that brain a bit.” It had been a while since someone had so blatantly flirted with you. To be fair you were a bit surprised. Dating had often been a minefield for you. George: “Marrige…”
It’s an institution
It’s a partnership
It’s indescribable
George: “Historically it was a way to ensure land, money and heirlooms where added into a new household.” *Choice 1* George: “It was also a safety for children back in the day, since basterds often faced quite a few challenges from being born out of wedlock.” *Choice 1* George: “It is a symbol of trust, that you do have someone that you can count on.” *Choice 2* George: “But at the end of the day, if you are unfair to that partner hey might not stay.” *Choice 2* George: “To describe marriage is like trying to describe oceans and water. Even with similarities we can see, gathering it all in an explanation would probably not give a fair judgement.” *Choice 3* Skyler: “To me it’s a promise. ‘To have and to hold’ it is silly in this day and age were people divorce left and right for trivial things.” Skylers eyes became dark, falling into deep thoughts. You had never been the poetic kind, but there was a sweet sentiment in Skyler’s view on things. Your parents where still married over 30 years now. Your sister was due some time in December, your brother was off celebrating a two year dating anniversary and your paternal grandmother still loved her deceased husband dearly. To you it just never happened, perhaps it wasn’t for you. George: “That we can agree on, people are so afraid they will settle. At the first sign of trouble they leave.” Skyler: “So that woman form before… how long do you think her marriage will last?” George: “If she acts like she did tonight, I wonder if her husband will even stay for the ceremony.” You looked at your new companion and in an unusual turn of events you called the bartender over. George: “Can I buy you a drink?” With that Skyler smiled, deciding to keep you company. Sometime later you awake to the sound of your alarm clock. You feel a splitting headache, you drag you hand over your face as you do you feel a cold metal band around your finger. Pulling back as your eyes focus you see that it is a plain sliver coloured band. (is that?) · Oh no… Feeling more sober than ever before you realised just what a mess you got yourself into. George: ‘I just got married in Vegas.’ Well, you’re screwed.
AITA/ IHTA (is he the asshole) dad demands free coffee for the next time
English is my first language but I am on mobile and still am human and make mistakes. My dad has consented to me puting this online. My dad and I have a long standing tradition of getting coffee from Starbucks on Sunday. Recently we've been out of town and going to a local coffee store on our Sunday coffee run. Unfortunately most likely due to our time at Starbucks he is used to rather promptly getting his coffee especially as he normally gets plain dark coffee with no room. But anyway back to the story. We got these popular frozen coffee drinks and were after a bunch of people who had also gotten these coffee drinks. (My dad wants me to add that we were never told that there would be a long wait). We had been waiting there for 30 minutes when a girl who had been waiting for a while talked to a person who worked there and they made her drink and gave her a token for free coffee next time. This token was a poker chip. Flash forward a number of minutes when my dad who had started to get increasingly more and more frustrated earlier (I tried to calm him down telling him to breathe in and out with a mask on don't worry most likely no corona was being spread by that) finally blew up and he raised his voice and said we ordered a while ago and that they had to get our coffee and two poker chips. Hence an argument began between me and him about whether or not he was being an asshole. They got us the coffee pretty quickly after that and then gave the poker chips. When the person came out to apologise he said it was ok because she made it up to him in the end (with the free coffee that he had screamed for.) Bare in mind we had guests coming and so we were on a bit of a time squeeze. So is he the asshole I think he is definitely and the only reason I'm ok showing my face there again is because the coffee was so good! He doesn't agree and thinks he is not an asshole and just getting what he thinks he deserves! Edit: I'm not sure what other info you need but ask questions and I will answer then in the comments.
Terms to know for games with traditional playing cards
Most specialized hobbies and interests have their own terminology, and the world of traditional playing cards is no different. Most readers likely have some experience with traditional playing cards and the games that can be played with them, so you are probably already familiar with quite a few common terms and words that are used. But are you sure that you're using the right words? It's easy to learn new terms from other people, but that doesn't guarantee you're giving them the right meaning. What is the difference, for example, between a court card, a picture card, and a face card? What exactly is meant by a spot card, and are there more common terms for the same thing? What are the proper names for all the four suits, and should we have a preference for "clovers" or "clubs"? As for card games, could you explain the difference between a hand and a trick, and can you distinguish between the stock and a tableau? I've put together a glossary of terms to help out. If you're already an established card connoisseur, this glossary will help give you a quick refresher course and polish your existing knowledge. If you're quite new to traditional playing cards, this list will help you become more informed. And if you enjoy card handling and games with traditional playing cards, this collection of terms will also prove useful. Whatever the case, knowing a thing or two about the language of playing cards will help us enjoy them and the games we play with them all the more!
Playing Card Terms
These terms relate to playing cards themselves, with common words and phrases relating to how they are made and what they look like. Ace. The number one card of each suit. Black Lady. The Queen of Spades, also called the Black Maria. Bridge-size. A narrow size playing card with a width of 2.25 inches, contrasted with the more common 2.5 inch wide "poker-size". Color. Spades and Clubs are considered "Black" in color, while Hearts and Diamonds are considered "Red". Deuce. A card with two pips. Cellophane. The protective plastic shrink-wrap that most decks of playing cards are wrapped in. Clubs. English term for the French suit trefle, corresponding to swords (Italian/Spanish), and acorns (Swiss/German). Coating. The protective coating applied in the final stages of the printing process by the playing card manufacturer. Cold foil stamping. The modern method of printing metallic foil (contrasted with "hot foil"), which uses printing plates instead of stamping tools. Court cards. Kings, Queens, and Jacks. Also called "face cards" or "picture cards". Deck. A pack of playing cards, usually 52 cards plus two Jokers. Diamonds. English term for the French suit "carreau", corresponding to coins (Italian/Spanish), and bells (Swiss/German). Embossing. The dimpled "finish" on the surface of the cards themselves; can also refer to the raised surface that are parts of the tuck box design. Face cards. Kings, Queens, and Jacks. Also called "court cards" or "picture cards". Face-down. A card placed so that its back is showing, while its face is adjacent to the table. Face-up. A card placed so that its number or picture is showing. Fanning powder. A white powder (usually zinc stearate) used to improve handling by reduce the friction between playing cards. Finish. The type of embossing used on the surface of a playing card, typically this is smooth or embossed. Foil. A shiny metallic material applied to the surface of a playing card or tuck box, usually by a process of hot or cold foil stamping. Hearts. English term for the French suit "coeur", corresponding to cups (Italian/Spanish), flowers (Swiss), and hearts (German). Hot foil stamping. The older method of printing metallic foil (contrasted with "cold foil"), where a heated die is used to stamp metallic foil onto a playing card at high temperatures. Index. The small numbeletter and suit symbol in the corner of a card that shows its suit and value, especially useful in a fanned hand. Joker. Extra card that comes with a 52 card deck, and used in some games as a wild card or the highest trump. Knave. The Jack of a suit. Marked. A deck that has secret marks integrated into the artwork on the back of the cards, often enabling the suit and rank of the card to be identified. Metallic ink. A liquid ink containing metallic particles which reflect light, usually creating a less intense effect than metallic foil Numerals. Number cards, as opposed to courts, also called "pip cards" or "spot cards". One-eyes. The Jack of Spades, Jack of Hearts, and King of Diamonds. One-way. A back design that isn't symmetrical, enabling cards rotated 180 degrees to be easily identified. Pack. A deck of playing cards, usually 52 cards plus two Jokers. Pasteboards. Another term for playing cards, originating from when the front and back of a card were literally pasted together. Picture cards. Kings, Queens, and Jacks. Also called "court cards" or "face cards". Pip. The large suit symbols on a card (Spade, Club, Heart, or Diamond) Pip value. The numerical value of a card. Poker-size. A standard size playing card with a width of 2.5 inches, contrasted with the narrow 2.25 inch wide "bridge-size". Rank. The ordinal position (number value) of a card in a suit, e.g. 2 of Diamonds and 2 of Clubs have the same rank, while a King outranks a Queen. This is sometimes also called "denomination". Seal. The sticker used to seal a box of playing cards; a practice which originated with tax stamps. Smooth. An unembossed surface. Soft. Card-stock that bends easily. Spades. English term for the French suit "pique", corresponding to batons (Italian), clubs (Spanish), escutcheons (Swiss), and leaves (German). Spot card. Any card from 2 through 10, also called "pip cards", as opposed to "court cards". Spot UV: A secondary printing process which adds a clear gloss coating to selected parts of a card or tuck box in order to add sheen and texture. Stock. The type of paper used for the manufacturing of a playing card. Suicide King. King of Hearts, so named due to the traditional orientation of the sword he usually holds. Trey. A card with three pips. Tuck. Short form for "tuck box", which is the box or case containing the deck.
Card Handling Terms
Many of these terms relate to handling a deck of playing cards, and some of them are especially important for those who do card magic. Biddle Grip. Taking a deck out of Mechanics Grip by grasping the top and bottom edges, holding it with your thumb on one edge and your index finger on the other edge. Also called "End Grip", this is the most common way to hold a deck along with the "Mechanics Grip". Bridge. A classy flourish where two interwoven halves of a deck spring together. Burn. Reveal and then bury a card. Bury. Place a card at the bottom of the deck, or in the middle of the deck so it can't be easily located Cut. Divide the deck into two packets, and reverse their order. Deal. Pass out cards to the other players. In card games this is usually done from a face-down pack, in clockwise order starting with the player on the dealer's left. Dealers Grip. See under "Mechanics Grip". Dribble. Releasing a deck of cards one at a time from the fingers and thumb so that they fall downwards in a steady flow. Fan. A spread of cards held in a semi-circular shape, with overlapping cards that show the indices. Faro. A shuffling method where the two halves of the deck interweave perfectly like a zipper exactly one card at a time. Flash. Expose a card accidentally while dealing or handling a deck. Flip. Turn a card face up. Flourish. A visually impressive display of skill performed with playing cards. Force. Making a spectator select a predetermined card apparently at "random". Hindu. A shuffling method from Asia where the cards are moved in lengthwise packets. Key Card. A known card in a deck, typically adjacent to the spectator's selected unknown card. Mechanics Grip. Holding a deck squarely in the center of your left hand, as if you were dealing cards for a game. Also called "Dealers Grip", this is the most common way to hold a deck of cards. Outjog. Push out a card from a deck so that its top half is protruding and visible above the other cards. Overhand. A shuffling method where the cards are moved in sideways packets; the most commonly method of shuffling cards. Packet. Part of a deck, usually consisting of a number of individual cards. Ribbon spread. A "spread" of cards across a table or mat. Riffle. A shuffling method where the deck is divided into two packets, and using the thumbs to making the cards fall quickly and interweave together. Scaling. A specialized technique in throwing cards frisbee-style at high speed. Shuffle. Randomizing the cards in a deck by a mixing process. Smear fan. A fan made with one hand, and often using only half the deck. Spread. Showing a hand, packet, or deck of cards face-up, often with cards overlapping. Spring. A flashy flourish where the entire deck springs one card at a time from hand to hand. Square. Straightening the edges of a deck in the hands or on the table. Stacked deck. A deck where the cards are set-up with a pre-arranged order. Strip. Remove low cards from a deck. Thumb fan. A fan made by holding the entire deck in one hand and using the thumb of the other hand to spread it. Vanish. Make something disappear.
Card Game Terms
Many individual card games have their own terms, such as Euchre (Bower, Going Alone, Order Up, March), Cribbage (Crib, Go, His Heels, His Nob, Muggins, Peg, Starter), and Poker (Blind, Check, Hole Card, Straight), so this is not an exhaustive list, but focuses on terms that are common to most card games. Ace High (or Low). The Ace is the highest (or lowest) ranked card in a suit. Age. Order of priority in play, starting with the player who must first bid, bet, or lead. This usually begins with the player ("eldest hand") on the left of the dealer. Announce. Name a trump suit or show your melds. Ante. A bet or contribution to the pot made before the deal. Auction. The period of bidding before cards are played, to establish the conditions of the game (e.g. the trump suit, how many tricks are needed to win). Bank. The dealer or house in a gambling game. Best. Highest ranking card. Bid. A proposal to win a specific number of tricks or points. Bidder. Any player who makes a bid, or the player who makes the highest bet. Blank. A card worth nothing in a card-point game; or alternatively a hand without court cards. Blank suit. Having no cards of a specific suit, sometimes also referred to as void. Bluff. Pretend you have better or different cards than what you actually have in hand. Buy. Draw from the stock or widow. Carte Blanche. A hand with no court cards (but may contain an Ace), also called a "blank". Case card. The final card of a particular rank that remains in play. Catch. Getting valuable cards when drawing from the stock or widow. Chicane. A dealt hand that has no trumps. Chip. A token or gaming counter used in gambling games in place of money. Coffee housing. Acting or speaking in a way to mislead your opponents about the cards you have in hand. Combination. A set of cards recognized by the game rules as having a scoring value, usually a set of the same rank or suit. Contract. Obligation to win a certain number of tricks or points. Coup. A winning play or bet, or an especially good play. Cover. Playing a card higher than the previous highest card in a trick. Cut-throat. A variant of a partnership game where players play for themselves against the other players. Dealer. The person who deals cards to the other players. Declare. Announce the contract or conditions of play (e.g. name a trump suit, or the number of tricks to be won). Alternatively, this can mean to show and score the valid combinations (e.g. melds) of cards in your hand. Declarer. The person who is the highest bidder, who declares, and then has the aim of making good the stated contract. Discard. Putting an unwanted card to the discard pile, sometimes called "throw off" and used to refer to playing a worthless card in a trick. Discard pile. The cards that have been discarded during pile, usually face up. Doubleton. Holding two cards of the same suit. Draw. Take an additional card, usually from the draw pile or stock, and sometimes from the top of the discard pile. Draw pile. The cards remaining after the deal, also called the stock. Drinking game. Typically has the aim of producing a loser rather than a winner, who must buy the next round. Eldest hand. The player besides the dealer (usually on his left) who receives cards first and plays first; sometimes also called first hand. Exchange. Trade a number of cards from your hand with another player, or draw from the stock and discard the same number (or in the opposite order). Exit. Force another player to win a trick, or get out of being the player who leads. Finesse. Holding back a certain winning card and playing a card of lesser strength in the hope of capturing an extra trick. Flush. A hand of cards of the same suit. Fold. Drop out, usually by turning down your face-up cards. Follow. Play second or third etc after a trick has been "led". Follow suit. Play a card of the same suit as the first card played. Four of a kind. Four cards of the same rank, e.g. four tens. In some games this is called a "book". Full house. A combination of five cards that includes a three-of-a-kind and a pair. Gambling game. A game played for money. Go out. Play your last card, thus getting rid of all cards in your hand. Hand. Cards dealt or held by a player during a game. Alternatively a "hand" can refer to the portion of a game from when the cards are dealt until they are all played. Hand-play. Playing without using a widow. Head. Play a higher card than any thus far played to a trick. Honors. The high cards of a suit (Ace, King, Queen, and Jack, and sometimes also the 10), especially if they have scoring value. Knock. Indicating that all your cards are melded (e.g. in Rummy), or that you won't make a further bet (e.g. in Poker). Lead. Play the first card of a trick; alternatively, as a reference to this card. Long card. A card in your hand in a suit that opponents no longer have. Maker. The player who names the trump suit. Marriage. King and Queen of a suit. Master card. The highest ranked card in a suit that is live or unplayed. Meld. A matched set of three or more cards having the same rank, or having the same suit and being in consecutive order. As a verb, "meld" means to declare or lay out one or more such sets. This term is mainly used in Rummy. No-trump. A declaration where the hand is played with no trump suit. Nullo. A declaration where the aim is to avoid winning tricks or points. Pair. Two cards of the same rank. Partnership. Two or more players working co-operative to win. Pass. Declare that you don't bid or bet, or that you withdraw from the current deal. Pot. The money or chips representing a game's bets, sometimes also called a "kitty" or "pool". Plain card. A non-trump card, sometimes also called "plain suit". Play. Take a card from your hand and use it in a game. Raise. Increase a preceding bet. Renege. A failure to play a required card, usually when you don't follow suit; also called "revoke". Renounce. Play a card other than the suit led. Round. When all players participate once in a deal, bet, or play of a card. Rubber. A set of three successive games; usually so described in matches of Whist or Bridge. Ruff. Play a trump in a trick led with a plain suit. Run. A sequence of two or more cards of adjacent rank, which in some games must be of the same suit; sometimes also simply called a "sequence". Sandbagging. The strategy of holding back cards in a good hand to trap an opponent into a greater loss later in the hand. Sequence. A "run" of two or more cards of adjacent rank, which in some games must be of the same suit. Shedding. Games where the aim is to be the first to get rid of all your cards. Singleton. Holding one card of any suit. Stock. The cards remaining after the deal, also called the draw pile. Three of a kind. Three cards of the same rank, e.g. three tens; sometimes called a "triplet". Tops. Highest cards in a suit. Trick. One card from each player, usually won and taken by the player who played the highest or best card. Trick-taking. Games based on the principle of trick-play. Trump. A selected suit that outranks the other suits, e.g. a Two of a trump suit will beat a King of any other suit. As a verb, "trump" means to play a trump card that beats other non-trump cards. Turn. In rotation, a player's opportunity to deal, declare, bet, or play. Turn up. A card placed face-up after the deal, to determine (or propose) the trump suit. Unload. Get rid of the dangerous cards from your hand. Void. Having no cards of a specific suit, sometimes also referred to as "blank suit". As a verb, "void" means the act of discarding all cards of a suit to achieve this. Widow. Extra cards that are dealt face-down at the start of the game which don't belong to a particular player; often a player is given opportunity to exchange some cards with it. Wild card. A card that can be used to represent the rank/suit of any other card (as allowed by the game rules), usually as designated by its holder. Youngest hand. The player last in turn to bid or play (contrast with "eldest hand"). In two player games this is the dealer, who is sometimes also called a "pone".
Solitaire Game Terms
Solitaire or patience games often have their own terminology, so a separate section has been devoted to this. Available. A card available to be played or transferred in the layout, and which is not blocked. Blocked. A card that that is partially or completely covered by another card, and thus not available to be played or transferred in the layout. Build. Transfer and lay cards in the tableau. Build up. Laying cards on a Foundation card in ascending order of rank. Build down. Laying cards on a Foundation card in descending order of rank. Cascade. Cards built on each other, but where the indices of all the cards are still visible. Center. Part of the layout in the middle. Column. Cards in a vertical line extending toward you, where the may cards overlap but show their indices, usually in a tableau. File. A column in the tableau. Foundation. A card in the center on which other cards are built up or down, often an Ace or a King. Hand. The draw pile or stock that remains after the tableau is laid out. In Sequence. A requirement that cards be placed on one another exactly one higher (or lower). Layout. The prescribed arrangement of cards dealt out, consisting of the tableau, and possibly a stock and foundations. Re-deal. After the initial stock has been used, to use the cards from the Waste pile. Row. A line of cards side by side, where the cards may overlap but still show their indices. Space. A vacancy in the tableau as a result of removing the cards of one pile. Stack. Cards placed on each other so only the top card is visible. Tableau. The prescribed arrangement of cards dealt out, i.e. the layout excluding the stock and foundations; in some games the tableau refers to the entire layout. Talon. Cards turned up from the stock or hand and laid aside in one or more packets as unwanted or unplayable; sometimes also called a "waste" or "waste-pile". Waive. Being able to lift a card and play the card below it. Waste. See under "Talon". Wrapping. Allowing a sequence where an Ace can continue from a King; also called "Building around the corner". Author's note: I first published this article at PlayingCardDeckshere.
Questionable local game store running "adventure league"
A locals I got to (whom I wont name for privacy reasons) began to host what they advertised as adventure league. I decide to give it a shot since I've only really played with friends and wanted to try playing with strangers in a more formal setting and maybe meet some other tabletop players and network. First, the store charges 6 dollars per 3 hour session (they run 2 per day, but it's usually just the same session over again so I just play in one). I knew this before showing up and have no problem with it because most of the money goes to the DM to buy miniatures and supplies anyway and they gotta keep the lights on. When I showed up I was informed that it wasn't normal adventure league, but it was essentially a modified version of it. It followed the RAW for the most part and had a lot of the restriction (like being required to start a level 1) but they let you use more than 1 book and also didn't use any of the new treasure and gold rules. Up to this point I had no issue with it, I prefer more homebrew style anyway as there's not many locals around so it isn't like I want to take my characters to play elsewhere, I only wanted to play and meet others and nothing so far prevented me from having fun so why not. I already had a character made and was ready to start playing. Then I was told to pick a poker chip. I was perplexed and I asked them to elaborate. Turns out the very day I decided to play (they've had this going on for like 3 months or so I understand) they decided to try out a new system where you get 1 of 4 benefits by turning in the appropriately colored chip as a completely free action or reaction. The effects are as follows: Target gains advantage on a roll, target gains disadvantage on a roll, heal some damage (I don't remember exactly I think 1d6?), or apply a wound that deals 1d6 damage PER round AND every-time target is attacked. I was kind of taken aback at how powerful some of these seemed but I figured I go along with it and hope the DM is able to handle this system fine enough, that was until I was informed that beyond the 1 chip you get for entering you can pay a whole dollar to get another chip and from what I understand there's no limit to how many you can buy... So yeah my first reaction to this is the feeling I get when paying money for a game full of micro transactions. DND is suppose to be my ESCAPE from that but now the only locals close to me that host games has basically found a way to monetize DM beyond just selling miniatures, space and candy/drinks. I was very tempted to leave at this point but I decided to stay anyway because surely no one is buying these things. I wasn't completely wrong, most people only had 1 or 2 chips they accumulated from playing before. You get 1 free chip per session with your entry and they stay with you till you use them in game. I was starting at 1 but there was a level 4 and like 2 other level 1s and I think a level 3 or 2 can't remember and the actual game went overall pretty great. 'DM was awesome, had a really cool elaborate setup and ran the game smoothly with decent storytelling mixed with a lot of room for RP and interaction. That was until we go to the main fight with the big monster which basically turned into a joke because apparently adding 1d6 damage to everyone's attacks and whenever a creature moves is kinda overpowered? Anyway I'm not a stickler for combat so I didn't really mind that too bad. Then I decided to give it another go, but this time someone spent like 6 dollars in the middle of the campaign to stack dis/adv chips to try and do something very elaborate and gain advantage over the rest of the party. I wont get into the details but that kind of left a bad taste in my mouth. Overall the second game went well enough. I haven't had much time to talk to the DM or the person running the game and I certainly don't want to ruin everyone's fun by complaining during the game so I just shrugged it off and kept playing. So now I'm torn, I really like the DM and the game but feel this token system is kind of ruining the experience bit by bit... I had originally posted this on another subreddit and decided to post it here with an update: So, I continued to go to a few more sessions. The token system hasn't been abused TOO much (I actually kind of think the system is interesting I just don't like the fact you can buy them with real money) but there seems to be some very obvious imbalances in the party. Beyond just level differences (which are less now that my character gained some levels) they are very liberal with the rules and most boss fights end up being a joke. There is basically 0 threat of death. Normally not an issue but the games so far have been very combat focused with little to no room for any real RP. Now, I'm mostly a RP type person but I'm fine with rollplay too. I was told it usually wasn't RP heavy but I was expecting some kind of balance. To be specific one of the characters had their damage output just flat-out multiplied by 5 due to what should have just been added flavor. I'm not some expert min-maxer or anything and there is some level differences but I'm pretty sure a warlock isn't suppose to just flat-out be able to deal 72 damage by level 5? Just made my character seem so necessary and useless by comparison. Which wouldn't be as much of a problem if I had more opportunity to actually do some roleplaying. I realize this is getting kinda long but there was also another issue I had. So after most sessions we each get a chance to get a magical item. Luckily it's not always just a first come first serve thing but they have a decently fair system of distributing them. My character got a very flavorful and interesting item that matches his character perfectly well. During one of our games two of our party members began fighting each other. This entire combat essentially froze the game for a better part of an hour as there was basically nothing else to do until they where done. Not only that but during this time two of the other party members kept rolling sneak against me over and over again to steal my magical item. Luckily they DM made this really difficult for them to do and they made off with some currency. Apparently my character was completely unaware this was going on EVEN THOUGH one of the other party members (it was 6 players) saw them do this and told my character in game AND my character noticed items just magically disappearing from my inventory. It kind of annoyed me a bit and really broke immersion. NOT only that but the two characters trying to steal this item would NOT know I had this item because I have yet to even use it. They where using meta knowledge to try and steal one of TWO magical items my character has (the other of which I wouldn't even care that much about if it went missing) when they both had plenty of magic items from having been playing there longer than I have. Anyway thanks for reading this long description of my recent experience with this locals and I'm pretty much turned off from playing DND there anymore to be honest.
(First) (Previous) (Next (NSFW)) (Patreon) The meal had been exquisite, everything cooked to perfection, and the wine just the right temperature, and the perfect taste to complement the food. Kethys ate with graceful decorum, chopping her food into small portions. Her followers, Semari included, were less polite, shovelling food in as quickly as possible, cheeks bulging as they chewed, only stopping to drink and wash it down without choking. Afterwards, the warmth was rather telling, heat and food making everyone drowsy, Hakara nodding off in her seat, unused to drink, Semari dribbling slightly as she slumped against Hadric. Janaxia allowed herself to relax, the simple pleasures being sated. Perhaps Stathis would be more amenable now? Although she appeared a touch drowsy herself, eyes fluttering. Then a booming crash sounded from somewhere nearby, startling everyone back to full wakefulness. Kethys was the first up, already armed, as Stathis took the lead, a poker from the fire in place of a blade. In the entrance hall, the cause of the sound was obvious, the massive door to the sanctum, wood banded with rune-carved iron, now lay open. Snow was billowing in, a viciously cold wind cutting through the hall, Janaxia shivering until Stathis dropped a shawl over her shoulders, Janaxia glad of the warmth. Janaxia summoned up her powers, in case some beast lurked in the blizzard, as Stathis readied herself to fight. A warped and misshapen magical glyph spun into being around Hakara, as she tried to call up a spell, tiredness and drink taking a toll, before she stumbled and leant against a wall. A figure could be seen, striding out of the snowy shadows, stepping into the circle of light that shone around the door. Red robes of finest silk atop white linen beneath, a necklace of bright beads around their neck, horns of bone protruding from their head. Their hands ended in razor-sharp claws, dull red tips merging with their grey skin. They spoke, voice managing to be low and sultry, despite the chill wind. ‘On this day, between the darkness and the light, I have been called, awoken from my sleep in the higher realms.’ She gave a theatrical yawn, stretching herself, crimson robe only held shut by a wide black sash, the stark material divided with a golden thread. Her figure was impressive – she appeared much of a height with Stathis, although slightly less muscled. Considering her grey skin, horns and claws, something in her ancestry was clearly other than human. Possibly demon-kin, or an ancestor brave enough to couple with a giant, perhaps? Her features were highly attractive, so likely not an ogre or troll. She walked forward, looking between them, smirking faintly. ‘Some hospitality is traditional, I think. Or have the mortal races forgotten even that much?’ Kethys was the first to break the silence. ‘Our apologies, ancient one. We bid you welcome, please enter.’ She bowed, although Janaxia couldn’t help but notice the glint of metal in her hand, a knife at the ready. ‘Ancient one? That’s a bit much. How many years have you seen, dark-born elfling? But the traditions must be upheld. And it’s pretty crappy in there.’ She ducked beneath the doorframe, making sure not to catch her horns. As she moved inside, Janaxia could see that strands of metal had been wound about them, sky blue and vivid pink catching the light. She was wearing odd wooden clogs, raising her stockinged feet above the grimy mud and show. Behind her could be glimpsed a localised snowstorm, the sanctum covered with a glistening layer of frost, magical paraphernalia sealed in ice. ‘Now, who is the master here?’ Janaxia pointed at Stathis, looking over to see that Stathis was pointing back at her. ‘Well, which is it? A house cannot have two masters.’ She looked down at Janaxia. ‘From your clothing, I would guess yourself, that dress is of fine style, and well suited to you.’ She unslung a leather pack, the contents clicking and rattling. Stathis moved closed to Janaxia. ‘You’re related to the people that built this place, so I think that means you’re the master, doesn’t it?’ ‘You took the head of the table and said the toast. What if she wants to fight?’ She didn’t look armed, but could have magical powers, and likely supernatural strength. Not to mention those claws! ‘If it comes to that, I’ll be your champion or whatever. She’s complimenting you on your dress though, I don’t think she’s here for violence.’ That was true. The woman clearly had taste – her own robe, while of unusual style, was finely made, glinting and gleaming in the light, obviously excellent material, clearly made specifically for this woman. Janaxia turned back to her. ‘I am Janaxia Seyroon Falmeth Uth Tremari, currently acknowledged by Domus, the spirit of this place, as being in the line of descent.’ She nodded, the metal around her horns glinting. ‘Tremari? Ah, you’re one of Kinnevar’s get. How is the old rascal? He still owes me after that mess in the Drakani ruins.’ Janaxia smiled. Someone that appreciated not only her style, but also her family! What an unexpected delight. ‘He is largely retired, although I impressed him enough to be taught some of his magic. When next I write him, do you wish me to convey your greetings? Although I have not had the pleasure of your name.’ This close she could see the woman’s eyes weren’t human, but were red, and slit like those of a cat – she was obviously not just some long-lived mage, then. From her introduction, it sounded as though she had slumbered in some distant plane. ‘Akoni the Fated will suffice. And enough other deed-names and glory-titles that I could be here for some time, so let’s skip those, shall we? It has been some time since I travelled this land, so what legends are told of me I know not.’ She looked around the group, taking each of them in. ‘A rather unusual group – some humans, a darkling exile, a true-born elfling, and one of the very highest birth. Not what I would have expected.’ She reached into her pack, pulling out a stone gourd and uncorking it. A scent filled the room, that of fine liqueur, peaches and other sweetness. This she poured into a small dish, tilting it and taking a sip. ‘The blessings of the light upon this house.’ She passed it to Janaxia, who followed suit. ‘Blessings of the light upon you, Akoni the Fated. And what brings you to this place?’ She couldn’t place the name, and if she had known Kinnevar than she was at least centuries old, but she comported herself well, and her style was exquisite. The drink, whatever it was, was equally good, a rush of fruit flavours thick and heavy on her tongue, the taste that of warm, lazy summer days and idle pleasures, bringing a smile to her face. ‘An ancient pact, as you should know, as the mistress of the house. To play for the fortune of the year to come, to see what lies ahead, and for succour in the darkness to come. And perhaps, for a prize of my own. My wanderings have been long and lonely of late, so perhaps some warm-blooded company, should fate favour me. Although meeting one of your blood is a surprise; the passage of time has clearly been a blessing to your clan.’ ‘I’m sure Kinnevar would be interested to hear of you.’ She laughed. ‘It was a long time ago, even as the elves reckon things. No, leave the old rogue to his ice-bound dreams.’ She reached out, slowly and carefully, a clawed hand stroking Janaxia’s face, surprisingly warm, given the blizzard she’d walked in from. The clawed fingers were tinged red, looking like it was something other than polish or paint, a stain so deep it wouldn’t wash out. ‘I see you take after him in other ways as well.’ Janaxia felt something more than physical brush against her, a light touch upon her very soul. Being careful not to ruin Janaxia’s hairstyle, Akoni touched one of her horns. ‘But these are matters for the day, not the long darkness of a cold night. Although, if you wish, I can tell you about the time Kinnevar woke up, stark naked, in the nunnery of Pelosa, and stole the Helm of Glory, simply because it was the first thing to come to hand to cover his manhood with. No matter what he says, that was never the plan!’ Semari had drifted closer, looking at Akoni’s outfit. ‘Hey, I’ve heard about you, I think. You’re the dicer of fate, aren’t you? You show up at the crossroads, and give blessings, or, like, kill people if they lose.’ Janaxia moved to chide Semari – being so rude to a guest! That story about Kinnevar sounded fascinating though. But Akoni spoke first. ‘You are partially right – I am indeed Akoni the Fated, the gambler at the crossroads, and the breaker and maker of fate. I twist what should be and create what is, and my hands are stained with an ocean of blood. I gamble and bet, win or lose, and simply watch the destiny that unfolds from that – I cast the certain into doubt, and crack the walls of fate. For my sin of breaking my own fate, I know my path and destiny, yet twist those of others, into ways not even the gods can see.’ She drummed fingers on a table, the claws gouging into the heavy wood without effort. ‘And, by ancient pact, tonight we shall game. To the winners, shall go the blessings I can bestow. And to the losers, well, we shall see. But tonight is for celebration and revels, so I state that the losses shall be minor – I am Akoni the Fated, and so do I decree.’ Janaxia smiled in appreciation, resisting the urge to clap – that was how one should make an entrance! If only Stathis could learn from this. ‘Domus, if you would be so kind as to provide some food and drink for our new guest? If I may be so bold, then I would suggest one of the spirits, possibly Maiden’s Blood? Something to warm you up, after lengthy your journey.’ The snowstorm was still swirling behind her, magical light flickering madly through the ice, the door slowly creaking shut, runes relighting as the defences reasserted themselves. Akoni nodded in agreement. ‘Good choice! Just the thing for a cold night like this.’ A tumbler of think red drink obediently appeared, dropping into her hand, and getting downed in one chug. ‘Gods, I’ve missed this stuff. Sethan’s really gone downhill the last few centuries. Good starting drink for an evening though.’ She tossed the glass up into the air, where it vanished, mid-arc, in a shimmer of energy. ‘Blessings on this house, may the light never die! Now, let’s go play.’ They had set up in the library, all sitting on the floor, Akoni’s robe falling open to reveal long, shapely legs. She was definitely larger than Stathis in several noticeable ways, and her horns were simple extrusions of bone, pointing straight up, grey fading to red at the tips, unlike Janaxia’s own curving black horns, which were also smaller. The metal decorations she had wound around them were rather fetching though, in a rather louche way. Her necklace of large, brightly coloured spheres was chunkier and more garish than Janaxia could pull off, but her stature made it work. Akoni produced a bright blue cup and a number of ivory dice from her wide sleeves. The single dot of the ‘1’ side was bright, brilliant red, and, from the distaste with which Parth handled them, Janaxia had a suspicion they weren’t from an animal. When the night was over, Janaxia would have to find quite who this Akoni was – it seemed likely there would be some legends about her, she was certainly striking enough to have inspired stories to last through the centuries. Akoni took the dice and cup, tossing the dice in, the rattling echoing around the space, before slamming the cup down onto the floor, making her call and bet. ‘Heralds’. Semari tossed three chips into the centre. ‘Warden’s eyes.’ Janaxia put down two of her own chips. ‘Evens.’ Kethys was more cautious, gambling just a single chip. ‘Spider’s legs.’ There was silence as everyone looked at her, having never had that call before. She sighed. ‘Light, you up-siders play this weird. Eights.’ Stathis and Parth both put in two each, calling for Crowns and Tens respectively. The cup was lifted, revealing a total of seven dots. The winnings went to Kethys, as the closest. Her expression was guarded, but at least she didn’t seem to have any weapons in hand. Semari was barely paying attention, pressing herself close against Hadric, distracting them both. As the night wore on, the bets increased, chips increasingly flowing towards Akoni, Parth and Kethys, with Janaxia just about holding on. The dice rattled against the cup again, lifting to reveal four bright red dots, Demon’s Eyes getting called. Stathis groaned, flicking her last chip towards Parth. ‘I’m out, dammit. My luck’s always bad this time of year!’ Akoni moved her claws through the air, space warping and shifting. ‘A final cast, child of the Iristari. A cast for fortune and fate, to divine what the year has in store for you, unless you have the strength to wrest your own fate from the fickle winds of fortune.’ The air in front of Stathis shone for a moment, four dice appearing there, each pearlescent white, gleaming with a strange inner light. ‘This is the night where darkness falls to light, where hope shines strongest, and where the words were spoken. Take your destiny in hand, and cast.’ There was a dry clicking as Stathis cupped her hands and shook the dice, rolling them out onto the floor. As they rolled, their surfaces shifted and warped, familiar dots transforming into other symbols, glyphs that conveyed entire stories, Janaxia having to look away lest she be overwhelmed. Although, as Janaxia looked closer, the dice themselves seemed less and less solid, instead being formed of shapes and symbols coiled densely to form the pearly material. Symbols resolved themselves into words, snatches of some far larger text – “thebroken words unspoken”, “lightning’s child wreathed in heaven’s fire”, “fire’s fury to ocean’s calm” and other similarly prophetic snatches. The result was high – two sixes, a three and a two. ‘Heaven's child shall fall. Destiny's chain is forged. The sun sets blood-red.’ Akoni’s voice was chill and distant, eyes unfocused, as though reciting some ancient text, before returning to normal. ‘It seems the next year may not be the happiest for you, I am sorry to say. But as thanks for the hospitality you have shown me, I shall give you my blessing – a small twist of fortune, little enough in itself, but who can say how it shall be resolved? And of course, you have a certain strength yourself, which may be sufficient to shift events in your favour.’ The pearlescent dice vanished as it was Parth’s turn to roll, those remaining shouting their bets first. The Maiden’s Blood that Akoni was drinking had, by now, tinted her lips a bright, crimson red, matching her robe and vividly contrasting with her grey skin, only adding to her allure. Her robe had now slipped off both shoulders, chiefly supported by the stiffness of the fabric, but still dropping low enough to display a good portion of her chest. She was definitely larger than Stathis there, although she was less toned and muscled, likely not having to earn a living through swordcraft. The cup was lifted, revealing a quartet of fours, enough for Janaxia to win back some of her losses. She was still far behind the other three, but it kept her in the game. No longer playing, Stathis moved behind Janaxia, taking a seat on the couch – the moral support was appreciated, even if she didn’t say anything, seemingly content to watch. Kethys was now grinning, apparently the type that only enjoyed games when she was winning. She picked the dice up with a practised flair, holding all four of them between two fingers. ‘What say we make this a little more interesting? I could do with rather more fortune coming my way. Akoni, you want to spice this up a little? I’m sure I can think of something to trade you might want.’ ‘My needs are few, darkling. But risk is what makes the gamble worthwhile – now, what could you each trade that I might wish for?’ She looked at each of them, cat’s eyes glinting. ‘A favour for me, to be redeemed when darkness is upon the earth, should I need something that cannot be done in light. In exchange for, as you say, a twist of fortune, a boon of fate. Although, of course, such a thing is fickle, and not to be relied upon.’ For a moment, her eyes changed, becoming solid red, even more unearthly than before. ‘For a darkling thief, a woodling queen and a…’ she looked at Janaxia for a moment, expression unreadable ‘…word-bound sage, quite the deal, I think.’ Parth, surprisingly, was the first to throw in. ‘Fate’s blessing upon me.’ Her chip struck the cup with a solid “thunk”. She stared at Kethys, clearly making a challenge. Well, the elven races never had gotten on, the dark elves having gotten decidedly the worst of it over the years, exiled to rather unpleasant parts of the world, all barren caves and canyons. Kethys shook the dice in her hand, the sound loud in the quiet library. ‘No fancy woodland queen’s beating me!’ Janaxia threw another chip in. ‘It would be a black stain upon my ancestor’s spirit to quit now. Shall we see who fortune truly favours?’ Akoni gave a wide smile. ‘Excellent. Well, that does make things a little more interesting, doesn’t it?’ She clapped, the dice in Kethys’ hand changing shape, now having far more sides than before. Kethys looked at one carefully, counting the sides and symbols, each of which only appeared when the face was uppermost. ‘Twenty sides, nought to ten, along with the eight high gods, and the great darkness. It’s been a long time since I played Akenishi. Let’s hope the darkness stays down, shall we? That’d be a crappy omen, on tonight of all nights.’ She rolled again, the dice smacking against the cup, far heavier than they looked from the sound that was made, before slamming the cup down. ‘Straights!’ ‘Swords!’ ‘Descending darkness!’ Kethys was the last to declare. ‘Broken wings.’ When she lifted the cup the dice were still spinning, symbols flickering as the dice rolled and tumbled, slowly coming to a stop, symbols glowing faintly. This version of the game was less evenly balanced, the chips rapidly switching hands. Parth was soon eliminated, a succession of bad calls splitting her chips between the survivors. Kethys was as calm and cool as ever, Akoni smirking as she cast a fortune for Parth, dice of emerald green appearing, leaving a trail of illusionary vines as they rolled. ‘Ashes burn crimson. Black wrath burns hot and cursed. The empty queen, fallen.’ Her eyes focused back again. ‘Dark tiding, but maybe your arrows will fly a little truer when you need it the most, perhaps?’ Parth looked slightly confused, but consoled herself with a drink of something green and glowing, a substance that Janaxia had previously experienced, enough that she was definitely not drinking. It was Janaxia’s turn – she checked the dice over, watching the symbols flare into life as each was turned to the top. She couldn’t tell what they were made from, but they were clearly magical. Some of the symbols were strange as well, different than the usual ones, although Janaxia could see the resemblance between them and the more modern versions. Although that might just be a sign of age, Akoni most be quite old. She couldn’t emulate Kethys’ flare, but she made a show of shaking them, rolling them in the cup before flipping it over, letting the others declare, placing her own bet. This eliminated Kethys, leaving just Janaxia and Akoni. Kethys’ fortune was rolled with dice of dark onyx, trailing misty shadows. They weren’t even showing numbers, instead bearing strange symbols, synonyms for ‘shadows’, ‘traitor’, ‘punishment’ and ‘darkness’. Janaxia felt a sudden chill and shivered. ‘The dark will call. Chains of blood to bind anew. All is sundered.’ Akoni looked intrigued. ‘Well, Kethys, it appears you have a choice to make. That you’ve been avoiding for too long, I suspect. Some things cannot be run from, no matter how skilled you are at hiding.’ She turned back to Janaxia. ‘And you, lastly. Betting it all on a final cast of fate – very much like Kinnevar! Although he was never very gracious about losing, but at least always honoured his bets.’ She started to shake the dice. ‘So, what shall your final call be? Choose wisely, now.’ With just two people, it was pointless to go for anything complicated, although the addition of the symbols as well as the numbers made the odds harder to predict. ‘Evens.’ The dice rolled, symbols flaring with light, before settling down, all four showing the same symbol, a jagged sphere of solid darkness. Akoni’s eyes flashed red. ‘It seems you chose poorly, and the darkness has consumed all. But that makes me the victor, and I believe that there is now a boon to discharge.’ Her eyes roamed over Janaxia’s body, Janaxia shifting slightly to ensure she was presenting her best side, favouring Akoni with a smile. ‘I place myself at your disposal, Akoni.’ The woman was more than passably attractive herself – despite its strange colour, her skin was healthy and smooth, her lustrous black hair falling around her horns. Janaxia tried to dispel the thought of one of those claws tracing a line from the nape of her neck down to her spine, the thought making her shiver deliciously. She clearly had taste, and to take an immortal as a lover would be a new feat. And with the experience she likely had, it would hopefully be a pleasurable experience. ‘I think I’ll claim my prize tonight then. Much chaos and strife is afoot, and so a debt should be discharged swiftly, lest it become impossible to claim.’ She picked Janaxia up, throwing her over her shoulder, already striding out. Janaxia took a moment to ensure her clothing was appropriate, but the gesture was charmingly brash, if a little uncomfortable. Semari wasn’t even paying attention, instead shameless flirting with Hadric. Parth and Kethys were already gambling again, some strange elven game with cards, as Stathis raised a hand in acknowledgement. I will see you later, sleep well Hakara looked scandalised, glancing at the others to see if anyone else was going to intervene. Hopefully not, as that would be highly awkward! Stathis at least acknowledged the message, summoning another drink and not intervening as Janaxia was carried out, already feeling the pinpricks of claws through her dress as she was held in place. Maybe some token struggle would be proper? Although that might thing Akoni thing she was less than willing, which could prove complicated. Instead she twisted around, trying to make herself more comfortable.
Standard Disclaimer: I do not take credit for the setting, this story is set in the'They are Smol'universe, written by our very ownu/tinyprancinghorse. TPH has aWebsite, aPatreon, and also aDiscordif you need more smol shenanigans. The first Smol Detective story can be read startinghere. There will be some spoilers/references of the first SD story in this one, so consider yourself duly warned. ________ First Chapter Previous Chapter Next Chapter In the previous chapter: Sssnnathor is doing something Naughty. Oscar had some Words of Wisdom. The Silken Feather had an Idea. In this chapter: The Tols do a Huddle. The Plot refuses to stop adding Complications. Maria gives an Ultimatum. ________ Bgrarh loped next to Egwreh as they made their way into the secure area of the ship. The engineer was shorter than Bgrarh, so he automatically adjusted his stride to allow her to keep alongside him. "{The Captain didn't say what this was about?}" asked Egwreh. Bgrarh shook his huge head. "{I am unable to pick up her scent, mon ami.}" They came to a door which did not automatically slide open on their approach. Even Bgrarh's implant was useless; as far as it was concerned the door was simply not there. A large red-and-brown pile of coils sat nearby, and as they approached the pile stirred. Resh'skk poked his hooded head up from his coiled body and regarded them both with a curious stare. "[Thank Sotek's nethers you're here. I figured it would be impolite to just break down the door, even if the Captain invited me.]" Egwreh nodded to him, then leaned forward and tapped in a code on a keypad next to the door. "[Is this room what I think it is?]" asked Resh'skk. "{It might be,}" replied Bgrarh as the three entered. Beyond the door was a large room, much larger than the size of the door would indicate. The room was not very spacious, however, since it was filled with sealed crates made of nigh-unbreakable composite. The room also held the imposing figure of Captain Rgrarshok, the less-imposing but still substantial figure of Ngralh, and the wiry frame of Myyreh. As the door closed behind the newcomers, Bgrarh reflected that the room was what the [humans] would call 'cozy'. Resh'skk looked around at the others with pointed curiosity, then stared at the Captain. "[I seem to be the odd one out here. Was I invited by accident?]" "{No, I wanted you here,}" replied the Captain. "{Especially since you have something in common with Myyreh.}" The Jornissian gave a thoughtful purr. "[Namely, that I'm responsible for protecting a [human]. Is this regarding [Maria]?]" The Captain nodded. "{We are on our way to [Sssnnathor's] planet. Our current cover story is that we are entertainers. Among us we have enough talent to make that story plausible, but our real strength is our [human] companions. [Sssnnathor] will without a doubt allow us to land if he has the chance to see [humans] in the flesh.}" Resh'skk's hood flared out. "[He'll want to meet them face to face. That means you are putting my ward in possible danger. I'm quite fond of [Maria]. I would be even if she wasn't a [human].]" "{I'm not happy about this either, [Resh'ssk],}" said Myyreh. "{But we're not only bodyguards. We've both trained as soldiers.}" She motioned to the crates around them with a meaningful wink. He shook his hood. "[And you all are a Senate investigation team with no legal mandate to possess anything close to military hardware, especially since you have a [human] in your crew.]" "{We will no longer be in Senate-controlled space,}" replied the Captain. "{In those circumstances I may act with much greater latitude. We have the necessary materiel here to outfit everyone.}" Resh'skk folded his arms. "[Even if you can wriggle your way out of an Inquisition hearing afterwards, is this strictly necessary? I can get us another ship, a smaller one. I know a few black-market dealers who don't look too closely at IDs if the price is right.]" He indicated Myyreh with his snout. "[The two of us can slip in, find this 'Silken Feather' character, and have her tied up and dumped in front of you before you know it. That way the [humans] can remain on safely board the Claw.]" "{We do not have time to obtain another ship,}" said Rgrarshok. "{The travel time to [Sssnnathor's] planet is already significant. Every day brings another chance for our prey to get nervous and vanish again.}" The Captain looked over at Myyreh, who still had an angry set to her features, then back at Resh'skk's equally troubled face. "{I understand everyone's concern,}" the Captain continued. "{Remember, [Oscar] is my pack-mate as well. The thought of him in any danger fills me with dread.]" She spread her hands. "[But consider this. In the larger scheme of things, are we doing the [humans] any favors by coddling them? They're not pups. Eventually they have to take their place in the galaxy at large.}" Resh'skk simmered for a few moments, then turned to Egwreh. "[What arms do you have available?]" "{What do you want?}" replied the engineer with a cheeky grin. "[Don't play with me. If we're sticking my [human] in possible harm's way I want a full military loadout. Power armor included, 6th generation at a minimum.]" Egrweh's grin grew wider. "{Oh, is that all? Sure you wouldn't like me to customize some 7th gen gear for you?}" After another few moments of them staring at each other, Resh'skk responded with a smile of his own. "[Very well, Captain. We'll play it your way.}" "{What do we tell zhe [humans]?}" asked Bgrarh. "{[Oscar] will for certain figure out what we're planning.}" "[I'm not lying to him,}" added Myyreh with finality. Rgrarshok clasped her paws behind her back. "{We will inform the [humans] of our plans. I can hardly say they need to step forward and do their part, then in the same breath ask you all to throw them off the scent.]" Ngralh cleared his throat. "{But we should also suggest to the [humans] that they remain discreet about this equipping. If it turns out we don't need such weaponry, then no one in the Senate ever needs to know of our preparations.}" "{I agree,}" said Rgrarshok. "{Egwreh, work with Myyreh and [Resh'skk], get them armed and armored as they see fit. No limits. For the rest of the team, we'll need to issue or fabricate low-profile arms and armor. Something that will pass as normal clothing.}" Egwreh rubbed her chin. "{Fabbing low-profile armor for the [humans] won't be too much of a problem, I just have to scale things down and tweak the proportions a bit. Getting [Hrathra] and the [Karnakians] outfitted, however... that will be more difficult.}" "{I can help zhere!}" said Bgrarh with enthusiasm. The Captain sighed. "{I know you will, Specialist Bgrarh. But I have other duties for you as well. Please come with me.}" ________ "{You want me to dance, Captain? I...wow, I mean, 'm not sure, I've never done anything like that, well, that's not true, I've danced a few times on dates and things, but nothing complex, nothing professional.}" The pair of Dorarizin stood in the hallway not too far from the secure storage room. Captain Rgarshok noted with amusement how Bgrarh had dropped his affected accent while in the midst of his freak-out. "{I understand, Bgrarh,"} she said. "{But dance is the only artistic thing that I've had any training in. The Mehrrans style requires partners of equal size to make it look good, and you're the only Dorarizin here who's my height.}" The big brick-red male fidgeted his paws together as he stared off into the distance. "{I could pick up some steps, sure, but to be good enough to pass as a trained dancer? I don't know if I can do it.}" Rgrarshok had enough leadership experience to know that simply ordering Bgrarh to comply was not going to work. She laid a big paw on his shoulder. "[Bgrarh, you're also a supremely skilled athlete. I've seen the recordings of you in action during your major-league Hunt days. Dancing is nothing compared to that.}" "{I'm still not sure, Captain...}" She moved her paw down to his waist. "{Then let's start with something simple as a warm-up. Put your paws on my shoulders...that's right.}" Bgrarh's expression was dazed with fear as he followed her instructions. Rgrarshok's other paw moved up, and now she held his waist in a firm but not rigid hold. "{The most important thing in Mehrrans-dancing is flow, you can't be tense in the slightest bit. Just relax your shoulders more...excellent. This is a simple three-step spin-move, okay? I lead and you follow. And left and right and left and spin...}" ________ Resh'skk held himself at a posture of attention in front of Hrathra'sstah while the green Jornissian pondered his report. "" she asked at last. "" "" replied Hrathra. "" Resh'skk spread his arms and shrugged. "" "" The question stopped Resh'skk's train of thought dead in its tracks. "" Hrathra gave a hissing snicker. "" Resh'skk's hood drooped at her words. Not only had he missed the obvious, his secret crush was making fun of him. His face must have shown his distress, since Hrathra glided forward and patted his shoulder. "" [Maria] must have been nearby, because in only a few [minutes] she came through the door in her species' version of a casual stroll. The other races' bipedal gaits always looked unbalanced and precarious to Resh'skk's Jornissian sensibilities. But [humans] took that bumbling-along to the extreme. [Maria] always appeared as in danger of toppling over. Resh'skk was shocked by the pang in his soul at the mere thought of this tottering little creature getting hurt. He realized that over the [years] the [human] had tunneled her way into his heart more effectively than any sapper. For a moment the ex-soldier wanted to call off the whole idea. He pondered the possibility of getting [Myyreh] to go AWOL with him and follow through on his original plan. "[What's up, boss?]" The two Jornissians looked at each other as they realized neither of them had the slightest clue how to broach the topic. Resh'skk finally squared his shoulders and launched into it. "" [Maria] snorted. "[Ya think?]" He held up a finger and she fell silent, realizing that he was utterly serious. "" The [human] folded her arms. "[I'm sorry, [Resh'skk]. I tend to make bad jokes when I'm scared.]" Hrathra smiled. "" [Maria] raised an eyebrow. "[Oh?]" Resh'skk assumed his species' version of parade rest. "" She might be tiny, but [Maria] wasn't an idiot. "[Crap. You mean military gear, don't you? Guys, you know you can't have that kind of stuff on the same ship as me! The Senate will shit bricks!]" "" said Resh'skk. "" "[I'm not so sure you should do this,]" [Maria] replied. "[It could get all of you in a lot of trouble.]" Hrathra, ever the optimist, waved a casual hand. "" After some more thought, [Maria] finally nodded. "[All right, boss. I trust you both, and I'll keep [my hood pulled in] about it. If anybody asks, I saw nothing. Thanks for being honest with me.]" Hrathra slithered forward to hug the little human, and as [Maria] reciprocated the hug she looked over Hrathra's shoulder and met Resh'skk's eyes. The [human] then gave a very meaningful bobble of her head towards Hrathra's hood, as if to say you should be the one hugging her. Resh'skk knew he should say something, he'd tried several times to broach the topic with Hrathra'sstah. But every time his iron resolve turned to shifting sand, and to his shame he remained silent. He told himself to be patient. There was still some time before they reached Sssnnathor's planet. Plenty of time to make his confession. ________ The Silken Feather decided in the end to give herself a few more nights of observation. If at all possible she wanted 'her' property in hand before calling the Senate team. Once she had the Claw back in her possession and had spirited herself safely away, only then would she notify the authorities of Sssnnathor's suspicious doings. She peeked over the ridge once more. The night sky above was cloudless and bright with stars. The construction lights around the half-built palace washed out the fainter stars, but apart from the lights all was still. In place of the expected bustle of activity, the job site looked deserted. Her eyes narrowed in suspicion. The previous fifteen nights had shown no such lull in activity, so why was nobody here now? As the Karnakian scanned the desert beyond the palace, she spied a new cluster of lights around a large bonfire. Some large and meaty animal turned on a spit over the bonfire, while the workers milled around it drinking and chatting with each other. She could hear faint sounds of laughter carried on the slight night breeze. The Silken Feather relaxed. Sssnnathor must have decreed a little party for his workers, all part of appearing as the magnanimous tyrant. At last, she had an opportunity to reclaim the Claw. ________ Nerlharg-of-Aergh waited under his holographic camouflage cloak as the green-and-yellow Karnakian crept closer. "{I have eyes on PHANTOM,}" he subvocalized. "{Do not engage until I've made myself known.}" He'd exhaustively searched all of the usual hideouts used by those seeking to escape Sssnnathor's wrath. The desert beyond the equator was vast, but Nerlharg figured that the mysterious intruder (now code-named PHANTOM) would stick closer to settled areas. She was here for a reason, even if he hadn't yet figured out that reason. After a week of searching, he moved on from searching the obvious hiding areas to the less-obvious with still no success...then he'd had the brainwave that he needed to be looking in the most unlikely place of all. Namely, a place where Sssnnathor's people would be located around the clock. The construction site of the new palace. Infrared scans soon pinpointed PHANTOM, and she had indeed put the job site under constant observation. That in turn made Nerlharg very nervous. Was PHANTOM a Senate operative after all? That made her capture and questioning all the more necessary. But simply rushing her prematurely would make her vanish again. So he'd set a trap. If the Karnakian was gathering intelligence, then an abandoned job site would be irresistible bait. The workers, for their part, shrugged and accepted the impromptu party with delight. His ploy had worked, and his quarry was finally within reach. A squad of his hand-picked people waited in various locations around the job site. "{Should we move, sir?}" asked one of his team through his implant. Nerlharg subvocalized back. "{Negative. Nobody move, not until we know where PHANTOM is heading.}" Nerlharg expected PHANTOM to head for the entrance ramp leading to the underground facility. To his surprise, the Karnakian instead slunk towards a bulldozer nearer his location. "{Blue team, move,}" he subvocalized. "{Get between PHANTOM and the ridge.}" His people all wore camouflage cloaks similar to his. Unless one was right on top of them, one would see nothing. And even when close all the cloaks betrayed was a faint heat-shimmer. Because Nerlharg knew where to look, he could just make out a few little wavers in the night air as half of his team moved in behind the oncoming Karnakian to cut off her retreat. PHANTOM was clearly nervous; as she moved closer, she glanced around and then stared off at the distant firelight of the party. As she reached the bulldozer, PHANTOM gave one final look around herself and then moved to the back of the machine. Nerlharg was already in motion, gliding over the hard-packed clay of the desert floor with no noise as he called the others through his implant. "{Orange team, flank my location on either side. PHANTOM has stopped. It looks like she's digging in the earth.}" As he crept closer, Nerlharg saw that she was indeed digging with her bare claws, glancing around constantly as she dug. She was only a few [centimeters] deep into the clay. He was now within five [meters] of her and figured this was as good as it was going to get. "{Execute execute execute,}" he said as he deactivated his cloak. PHANTOM looked up in panic at the Dorarizin suddenly looming over her, then around at the others that also appeared from the thin air around her. "{There's nowhere to run,}" said Nerlharg. He tapped his skull next to his eyes. "{Now we're wearing adaptive contacts and earplugs, so that little flashbang-in-the-clothing trick you used earlier won't work.}" The Karnakian seemed to deflate as she stared back at Nerlharg. "[So this was a trap after all, eh? I must say, your stealth is admirable.]" Nerlharg tensed and made ready to leap at her if she tried to run away. "{This doesn't have to be unpleasant. Just come with us quietly and answer some questions. We'll keep things civil, unless you refuse to cooperate. Then it will become unpleasant.}" PHANTOM sighed. "[I'm afraid I can't come with you, my stealthy adversary.]" She gathered herself as if to jump away. Nerlharg was already in motion as she tensed. He flew like a white-furred missile at PHANTOM, his arms locking in a death-grip hold around her torso. He bowled the Karnakian over onto her side from the sheer force of his attack... And then, as she hit the ground, Nerlharg's arms were suddenly empty. He fell forward onto his face with a whump and a yelp of surprise. As he picked himself up, he saw a small spherical drone lying in the dirt where she'd been. "{A hard-light projection,}" he snarled. "{Blue team, spread out and sweep the area! She must be nearby!}" He looked down at the shallow trench that PHANTOM's hard-light avatar had dug into the soil. "{And get me some digging tools. Let's find out what she sent her drone after.}" ________ A pile of freshly-fabricated poker chips sat on a table in the ship's recreation lounge. Maria leaned forward and shoveled the pile around with both hand in a figure-eight motion, then leaned back. "How was that?" "You're still signaling too much," said Oscar. Maria let out a hmph and turned her hand over. One of the chips lay trapped against her palm. "What do you mean? I'm holding it just fine." She flipped her hand back over and wiggled her fingers. "See? It doesn't fall out, and my hand looks natural." "Your shoulders tense up right when you do the palm. You've got to relax all over. They're not just gonna be looking at your hands, they're gonna be looking at your whole body." "I still don't know why I need to learn this. I'm not playing poker or doing a magic act." Oscar shrugged. "It's a useful skill. You given any thought on what you're going to recite?" Maria dropped the token back on the pile. "I'm leaning towards 'The Rime of the Ancient Mariner'. It's a reasonable length, though I might trim it a bit." She regarded the chips in silence for a bit, then looked up at Oscar. "Do you think we'll have to do an actual act?" He responded with a nod. "I'm guessing Snape will want a command performance, so we'll have to go through the whole routine at least once. Are you nervous? You don't strike me as the type to suffer stage fright." "It's not that, it's that we're headed into danger. Real proper danger, especially if this 'Snape' guy finds out we're doing some clandestine crap in his territory." "We'll be protected," said Oscar. "Not just the crew, we'll have security drones and whatnot." Thanks to his discussions with Myyreh, he had a good idea of just what that blanket term of 'whatnot' entailed. But he didn't go into further detail. He figured that Maria had enough to worry about. He motioned towards the pile of chips. "Right, do it again." ________ Sssnnathor turned the curved object over in his hands. For the first time in a long while he felt a sense of awe. It wasn't every day that you held an object many thousands of years old. "" Nerlharg stood ramrod-straight in front of the tyrant. "[Yes, Excellency. Along with what I believe is the case it was once displayed in. I take full responsibility for failing to capture PHANTOM. I'm sorry.}" Sssnnathor uncoiled himself and moved away from the tank. "" He held up the Claw, taking pleasure in how the jewels embedded in the Claw's root sparkled in the lab's harsh overhead lighting. "" he asked. "[We can't be absolutely certain, Excellency. There are no detailed holographic scans or images of [Ta'irrl'qc's] Claw, just hand-made drawings.]" Sssnnathor stopped his admiration of the Claw and looked at his lieutenant in disbelief. "" "[Don't ask me, it's some kind of [Karnakian] religious injunction.]" The Jornissian blopped his tongue out in a circular manner. It was his species' equivalent of an eyeroll. "" He regarded Nerlharg's brooding face. "" He bounced the Claw in his hand. "" Sssnnathor slithered back to the tank. The once-small form floating inside was now a long blue-and-black shape, still indistinct in the murky fluid but clearly Jornissian in outline. He placed his free hand flat against the transparent tank wall and smiled fondly. "" ________ Oscar rubbed his forehead. "Really guys, I'm not asking you to go steady with each other. All you gotta do is sing together. Is that so hard?" The two pairs of Karnakian guards glared at each other from across the hangar deck. Between them was Oscar and Ter'yeik. Oscar still wondered what the ex-Second Claw's play was. Out of the blue, Ter'yeik contacted Oscar and asked if he could assist with the upcoming subterfuge. Given that the Karnakian had tried to frame Maria and make Oscar look crooked, the detective's first impulse was to tell Ter'yeik to fuck off. But then he thought that having the guy out and doing something constructive was better than leaving him to rot in a cell. He consulted with Matriarch Ck'Trrk'ka and got her blessing, and also made sure that he had access to Ter'yeik's transpondeparalyzer chip juuuuust in case the raptor was looking to dish out some payback. He also made sure that Jeeves Junior was obviously present when Ter'yeik first emerged from his quarters. Ter'yeik, for his part, paid the drone no mind and seemed to be in much better spirits. The cream-colored Karnakian proposed a musical act for the Karnakian guards on board, and after some further consultation Matriarch Ck'Trrk'Ka agreed. To Oscar's greater surprise, Matriarch Ma'elge'yk also declared herself cool with it. The guards themselves, however? They were decidedly not cool with it. After a lot more glaring, Ter'yeik gave a human-like shrug. "[I'm sorry, [Oscar]. Congretory Speaking is not just 'singing together', it's like having a discussion with many interleaved layers of meaning. Our Sacred Paths have too much past enmity with each other to make a harmonious song.]" Oscar put his hands on his hips. "Shit. So much for that idea. Would a duo be enough to cancel out the translators? I want this to be more about the song than the lyrics." "[Two singing together should be sufficient,]" replied Ter'yeik. "Okay. We could do a couple of duos, I suppose...wait. What about a call-and-response song?" "[What's a [call-and-response] song?]" asked Ter'yeik. "Ah, it's when you have two different phrases or parts of a song that reference each other, like in 'Baby It's Cold Outside'." He saw nothing but a bunch of puzzled stares, so he led a caravan of Karnakians to his quarters to fetch his terminal. To his relief the OIH had decided that Dean Martin didn't warrant censoring, thus he was able to play the song in question for them. The corridor outside his room was soon filled with feathered crests bobbing in time to the music as he explained the structure. "See, the woman wants to leave but the guy wants her to stay. Each line starts with her protesting and ends with his pleading for her to not leave." "[I grasp it now!]" said Tk'riil'na. "[We could have a religious debate but to non-Karnakians it would sound like only music!]" The four guards stared at each other, and before Oscar could blink they'd squared off in pairs facing each other. All that was required was a tumbleweed to go blowing across the corridor to turn it into a scene from a Western-movie gunfight. Tk'riil'na was the one to start, with a low trill of "[It is said that...] His partner added to the phrase with a higher pitch and within moments the words blended into only music as Oscar's translator bead threw up its non-existent hands. The song lasted only a minute before ending. Frick and Frack responded with a minute-long song of their own, one that took much of the first song's melody and performed a few interesting variations upon it. The response to the response varied the base melody further still, and as the back-and-forth singing filled the corridor everyone's crests started to rise in happiness. __ Maria made another scan of her streamlined version of Coleridge's masterwork. She figured the old laudanum addict wouldn't mind her making a few tweaks for the sake of time, seeing as how her audience would be like none he'd ever envisioned. Her editing was made harder by the never-ceasing slithering noise in front of her. Hrathra'sstah's voice held an agitation that mirrored her unending movement. "[I've done some dancing, but not professionally. You're doing your poem, so I'm not going to repeat that. I can't sing, either.]" Maria didn't look up as she replied. "You must know some Jornissian classical plays, right? The Dorarizin have The Ballad of Drezneh, we've got things like Antigone or Oedipus Rex...actually, please don't look up that last one. Just forget I mentioned it." Hrathra's slithering came to a stop. "[I couldn't do an entire play, that's much too long.]" "Do a classic scene from one, then. Something nice and dramatic, with lots of fighting and speechifying and implied bloodshed." "[Hmmm, that idea has merit. There have been a few plays made about the defense of Malshak-V, but perhaps that's too obvious. A monologue would be too similar to your performance, so ideally I could do something with another actor...]" As if on cue, the door slid open and Resh'ssk slithered in. He stretched his arms over his head and wriggled his body. A chorus of popping vertebrae filled the room, and since Resh'skk's body was mostly vertebrae that sound went on for a long while. "[Oof. I forgot what a pain it is to get measured for power armor.} Hrathra's angular face split into a grin. "[Did [Egwreh] get too familiar with you?]" Resh'ssk gave an embarrassed shrug. "[Not all that much.]" Maria looked up at her boss, then over at Resh'skk. She realized that she was very tired of this game and knew exactly how to give her friend a push. She pointed at Resh'skk. "Reshy should be your partner!" Hrathra'sstah tilted her hood in thought as Resh'skk's face assumed a look of pure panic. "[Partner? Partner for what?]" he sputtered. Maria held up one hand, clutched at her bosom with the other, and put on her most over-the-top hammy voice. "ACT-ing!" Hrathra coiled up along the wall in a pose that Maria had privately dubbed the 'Jornissian Thinking Loaf'. "[Hmmm, yes, of course. Good idea, [Maria]. Resh'skk, I'm thinking of doing a scene from Shrenthhah's Tale. Would you be willing to play the part of...]" "[Ma'am, I've never done anything like that!]" Hrathra shrugged her hood. "[Technically neither have I. The scene I have in mind is a duel, so it'll be mostly physical with some nice little verbal barbs thrown at each other. You'll just have to promise to be gentle with me when we wrestle.]" She waggled one teasing eyebrow at Resh'skk. Maria resisted the urge to snicker like a naughty teenager as Resh'skk began having a full-blown panic attack. "[Gentle? Wrestle? I...er...you and I wrestle? What...]" Maria reached up and gripped his forearm. "Will you excuse us, boss? Reshy and I need to have a little heart-to-heart." She tugged at his arm, and in a daze the Jornissian allowed her to lead him out of the room. The sound of the door sliding shut seemed to snap him out of his crisis. "[[Maria], please, I know you mean well but I can't...]" She spun and faced him, and now it was her turn to silence him with an upraised finger. "You can and you will. We are heading into danger. I know you're all trying to put a brave face on things for my sake, but I know shit's about to get real. You may think that it's more romantic to only confess your love at the moment of death, but that crap only works in the movies. In the real world, here and now, you have a chance to be happy. Acting in this scene with her gives you lots of good opportunities to confess to her. Now, you're going to go back in there and tell her you'll be happy to act with her." Resh'skk had regained enough composure to fold his arms and glare down at her. "There is an implied 'or else' in there." "You better believe it, buddy." Maria lost the resulting staring contest after a full two minutes of heroic effort. It was unfair that Jornissians didn't have to blink. As she blinked the accumulated tears from her eyes Resh'skk chuckled. "[You win, [Maria]. Far be it from me to disappoint you.]"
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